7 Things I Learned from Superbowl Ads

1. People who drink Bud Light are assholes



We knew this already, but during Sunday's Super Bowl, Anheuser-Busch broadcast footage into our living rooms to prove it. Bud Light drinkers are apparently chainsaw-wielding hitch-hikers, rock-throwing psychopaths, and take dating tips from Carlos Mencia. If they show up at your wedding they'll replace the chaplain with an auctioneer. Their unholy beer is coveted by gorillas and worshipped by crabs, in an ongoing attempt to inebriate the entire animal kingdom. Just remember — if Bud Light ruled the world — even dogs would lie.



Fortunately, Anheuser-Busch have also provided a solution. If a Bud Light drinker gives you a compliment, slap him in the face. (Says one iFilm viewer: "Can't wait to get to the office on Monday!")


2. Mechanics share food



Snickers wanted to ensure they had the most talked about ad of 2007. But for added effect they also hired Super Bowl players to watch their ads, so they could broadcast their reactions on their web site.

Marvin Harrison, Indianapolis Colts Wide Receiver
Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm.

Mushin Muhammad, Chicago Bears Wide Receiver
Oh! (winces) Oh my god! (laughing and wincing) That was funny. When the lips touched — that was funny, right there.

Desmond Clark, Chicago Bears Tight End
Whoa. Whoa. Aw, no. (Laughs)

("They did 50 takes," an off-camera voice tells him.)

AfterThe Kiss.com promises to let viewers choose which of four endings will be broadcast during the Daytona 500. (For example, one mechanic whacks the other with a wrench, or they're joined by a third mechanic who asks "Is there room for three on this Love Boat?")

Ironically, the sexy ads appear above a hyperlink to the privacy policy for Snickers' web site, which promises parents that "We take special care with young children."


3. Coke has an amazing advertising budget



Who knew the inside of a Coke machine was an enchanted cloud kingdom where flying fish ferry your change to an artic wonderland and a celebratory party in a blimp-based ampitheatre? Coke is apparently dispensed from a hole in the sky, and though it no longer contains cocaine, it can give you hallucinations. It also takes a full minute from the time you put your money into the vending machine until the damn bottle comes out.



Another ad tells us that not only is there a fairy tale celebration in every bottle of Coke. It can also rejuvenate old people.


4. Your workplace is doomed



Showing up to work is an exercise in futility. Your new corporate headquarters are located on the moon, your manager implements new jungle-based torture rituals, and your cheating co-workers were just getting their sales leads off a web page anyways. But the ultimate insult is that if you actually manage to get something done, Robert Goulet will just show up and sabotage it.

Yes, it's true. If your blood sugar drops, you're visited by a 73-year-old lounge singer who can only be repelled by the "natural energy" in Emerald Nuts. It's a phenomenon "most decent people couldn't imagine," according to a redundant companion video at the company's web site.

No wonder America is losing ground to the Japanese.


5. Heavy metal stars will sing anything



Come on — "Mapasaurus?!" Grim Reaper's Steve Grimmett recorded the humiliating metal parody behind a cool retro ad in which an ersatz Ultraman takes on his greatest challenge: a map that's hard to fold.

"Evil Mapasaurus, prepare to meet your doom..
Our hero has the power, glove box is your tomb!"

But Grimmett not only recorded the soundtrack. He recorded a full-length music video for the company's web site.



Grimmett takes his place beside a list of other navigation-related super villains — Trafficdactyl, Wirerannosaurus Mess, and Congestodon. The hype-happy site also offers guitar tabs for the song, a Mapasaurus screensaver and a "making of" documentary for the 30-second ad, in which Grimmett acknowledges that satellite navigation systems are important because, as an aging headbanger, his eyesight is failing.





6. Flomax fights prostate problems and decreases your semen count



It always amazes me. A pharmaceutical company spends $2.6 million to buy one minute of Super Bowl air time — and then spends 30 seconds of it describing their drug's miserable side effects. Besides manly biking excursions with your friends and kayaking trips down a river, Flomax can also give you a runny nose, dizziness, or a decrease in semen. If you stand up, your blood pressure may drop suddenly, "rarely resulting in fainting... avoid situations where injury could result." But on the bright side: it does address those male urinary symptoms.


7. People who drink Snapple are stupid



But this goes without saying.

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